3 Reasons Why INFJs are Lonely and How to Overcome It

Loneliness, desperation for connection, yet being misunderstood — anyone dealing with these struggles walks a lonesome quest.

In this post, we’re zooming in on the mystic personality type of MBTI — the INFJs.

INFJ is the Advocate of the 16 Myers-Briggs Personality types. It stands for Introverted-iNtuitive-Feeling-Judging.

They are the real-deal deep thinkers who constantly dig profound and conclusive paths as their default cognitive process. 

INFJs have a strong intuition. They also perceive and comprehend human nature deeply. 

But as Charles Bukowski said:

“Sadness is caused by intelligence. The more you understand certain things, the more you wish you didn’t understand them.”

While INFJs have a knack for predicting future events, are logical thinkers, and can understand human subjectivity, it’s a lonely walkabout that most people do not understand their surging train of thought.

Lack of connection and being misunderstood, unheard, and ignored make INFJs feel lonely.

With this, it’s inevitable that INFJs struggle with loneliness.

Why Do INFJs Feel So Alone?

Here are 3 reasons why INFJs feel so lonely even when they have company:

1. INFJ have a hard time finding their tribe.

Finding a tribe as an INFJ is tough.

You see, INFJs only comprise 1-3% of the population.

Obviously, it’s a challenge to find like-minded people, yet they still knuckle down to fit in the world.

I’m not saying INFJs are bound to be alone and would only be happy once they meet their fellow Advocates.

Rather, these empaths are also compatible with other personalities like INFPs or INTPs.

What’s better than a group of empaths and intuitives?

My circle of friends comprises INFJs, INFPs, and ENFJ. Every bonding was a blast.

But as you know, these other personalities are also in their hiding holes, so finding them is nigh impossible, especially when you’re living in an extroverted country.

However, finding the wrong tribe is worse.

More than finding a tribe, it’s more stressful to be stuck with the wrong set of people.

INFJs are social chameleons who blend in and prioritize social harmony over expressing their honest thoughts.

Unfortunately, when they’re with the wrong “friends,” most INFJs can’t speak their minds. And even when they do, no one actually listens.

They feel like no one understands them, and it’s true.

It’s sadder when some INFJs become people-pleasers, just like how their “friends” want them to be.

And it’s heartbreaking to never get out of that box. The desperation to fit in becomes especially ruthless.

2. Mood swings and losing identity

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INFJs can easily mold themselves according to who they’re with. 

If they see you happy, they will jump in joy, too. If they see someone miserable, they will become one, too.

They’re caught in a constant shift of emotions. Although it’s in their nature to feel others, be empathetic, and mirror behaviors because of their Extraverted Feeling (Fe) function, INFJs sometimes feel pretentious about their identities.

They seek oneness — so they’re like liquids filling a container’s shape, rather than taking a unique form and initiating change.

Before learning MBTI, I noticed how my INFJ friend shifts her behavior every time a new face talks to her. 

She was so caring to me (I’m an INFP) while brutally swearing at our guy friends, yet hilariously funny with the others.

She’s an awesome friend, but I wondered if she was faking it at one point.

Then I learned… she’s an INFJ.

Apparently, they struggle with persistent mood swings and behavioral changes.

Worst, because they’ve been mirroring people’s behavior for too long, a time would come when they’re lost about what they want, what they are good at, and who they are supposed to be.

An INFJ being lost in their identity is a crisis in human form. They fall not only to loneliness but, worse, to depression.

You may also like: Good and Bad Traits of INFJ Personality

3. No one listens and understands

People misinterpret INFJ’s intentions.

As introverted intuitives (Ni), INFJs narrow down events and experiences until they come up with a conclusion, a goal, or a prediction.

That’s how their intuition works. They subconsciously connect the dots and unknowingly understand things. 

Out of their goodwill to help, some INFJs would reach out to people and share their insights.

However, close-minded people see INFJs as intrusive and know-it-alls.

But being friends with INFJs, I realized that truly have a knack for predicting things. They’re not merely guessing or bluffing about their insights.

They see the direction people should go. And yep, they’re often right.

One INFJ friend of mine even predicted (or advised) a guy to confess to me years ago.

It took 8 years for my INFP guy to admit his feelings because he was afraid I’d distance myself. But after a few months, we’re happy and officially dating.

And my INFJ friend be like, “Told ya.”

Dang, my relationship with the guy took 8 years to develop but my INFJ friend saw through it and has been supportive from the start.

Their voice dissolves into thin air.

Because INFJs are keen listeners, they expect people to do the same. 

However, it’s one problem they deal with — people hear, but no one listens.

Their voices often dissolve in the air. 

Despite INFJs taking their time to process other people’s thoughts, people can be self-absorbed or impatient about listening when it’s INFJ’s turn to speak.

Some even wait out for an INFJ to finish their part, but in the end, they paid zero attention and gave no considerable response.

Sadly, when INFJs get burnt out with being misunderstood, it triggers loneliness and they’d prefer to live in isolation. 

How Do INFJs Overcome Loneliness?

I know it’s a struggle to search for connection, yet finding none. It leads to loneliness, anxiety, and even self-reproach.

But INFJs can avoid it. Here are 6 ways how to overcome INFJ loneliness:

1. More than connecting to people, connect with yourself.

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While INFJs crave deep connections with others, ironically, they may have a shallow relationship with themselves.

They people-please but forgot to be kind to their own.

That said, learning your cognitive functions and attitudes is a good foundation for realizing your worth, abilities, talents, and strengths. Let go of people’s validation.

As Jean-Paul Sartre said:

“If you’re lonely when you’re alone, you’re in bad company.”

When you can’t find a connection with people, connect with yourself. 

And if you don’t find happiness with yourself, you have to pause, meditate, and redefine the meanings of peace, solitude, and genuine happiness.

What kind of connection are you even pursuing? Network? Or self-worth?

2. Consider “loneliness” as solitude.

Flip the idea of loneliness into solitude. 

Instead of stressing out how you can’t make friends, how you’re alone, and why you never seem to fit in, start to embrace it as “me-time” and “solitude.”

Remember, alone time may not last forever. 

Do you know what’s worst than being alone? It’s wishing that you were.

Embrace solitude while it lasts.

3. Dwell in your creative side.

Ground yourself by dwelling in your creative sides. List down goals, write stories, journal, or create podcasts.

Be more attuned to the skills and talents you have.

Moreover, you don’t have to explain who you are. If you’re misunderstood, find joy in it. 

Maybe, there’s something to learn from INFPs. While INFJs desire to be understood, INFPs are also misunderstood but don’t care one bit. For Mediators, it’s scarier when people try to understand them, learning their darkest secrets, so they hide.

I’m not saying that INFJs should hide, too.

But be happier in your own company, and pride yourself on your creativity because anything that comes from your imagination, is you.

Being creative is a way to find your identity and regroup your thoughts. It makes you firm about who you are and who you are not.

Focus on yourself once in a while. Self-love is not selfish. Do it!

Cut shallow connections if they drain you.

Be more attuned with yourself. Be lost in your daydreams, put them into paper, and let nobody tell you what to do.

4. Be patient in finding your tribe.

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INFJs crave connection, not companionship. 

While many call INFJs a friend, INFJs can only name a few real ones.

And having a few is alright. Forcing your way into a circle that doesn’t match your values leads to more pain and loneliness.

Get out there to interact, help the community, and attend conventions. But more importantly, don’t desperately seek the connection.

When like-minded people come, you’ll know. They definitely resonate.

5. Don’t carry other people’s burdens.

Having a compassionate heart is a blessing, but the excess of anything is harmful. 

Cease to absorb the sentiments of others. It does not mean becoming stone-hearted or indifferent.

Rather, because you’re empaths, feel them. But you don’t have to own them.

6. Connect with animals and nature.

Can I say animals can be as empathetic as people?

Pets seem to be even better empaths and they always give us unanticipated humor.

As for nature, it grounds you. It’s ancient, calm, yet powerful.

Redirect your focus not solely to people but to what provides tranquility.

Conclusion

INFJs struggle with loneliness due to their constant search for connection.

But please understand that bond doesn’t have to be associated with people alone.

Connect with yourself — mentally, creatively, and spiritually.

Be patient in finding your tribe and embrace loneliness as solitude. You’ll get out of the rut and make it.

 

Thanks for reading!

-M.Mathias


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