INFJs are reserved and deep-thinking idealists. Unaware of their unique capabilities, some INFJs tend to underestimate their contribution specifically in group settings.
As an INFP who has several INFJ friends, I must say they create a light-hearted and warm group atmosphere without even trying hard. But the surprising part is they may not be even aware of how much warmth and hospitality they can give to people.
INFJ’s altruism is unparalleled. People often see them as reserved and empathetic. But here’s one thing people will rarely see with these kindred spirits – an INFJ getting angry.
INFJ and Anger
INFJs are warm-hearted spirits who pursue cooperation and social harmony in groups. They dig for common ground, set you at ease, and even laugh at your corny jokes.
INFJ may struggle with several disappointments in a day, but INFJs adeptly handle these emotions within themselves. They keep their frustrations and have tendencies to put other people’s welfare before their own.
That said, INFJs and anger don’t vibe together. These kind souls are nonconfrontational types and will sort out conflicts through polite and diplomatic conversation.
But once they get mad, their actions will surely leave a mark. You must know something’s wrong with you to push them far to the limit.
What makes INFJ angry?
INFJs repress anger all the time. They avoid conflict, resolve problems through peace… until they can’t. Since INFJs have so much value for social harmony, they would lean on protecting people they care about and the “underdogs”. Anyone who disrupts such peace among the group will anger and annoy an INFJ.
What makes INFJs angry usually roots from the disturbance of harmony such as:
- People who disrespect other people’s beliefs, opinions, and values
- Bullying, discrimination, and close-mindedness
- Physically and verbally abusive behavior
- Hurting their friends and loved ones
- Intentional distractions
4 Ways INFJs Show their Anger
It’s common for empathetic personalities such as INFJs to lean on passive-aggression when they’re angry. Moreover, their ways to express their frustration can be cryptic and a guessing game to the people around them. But if you’re wondering how INFJs act when angry, these are the ways they show it, listed from mild anger to unfathomable rage.
Disclaimer: The list may or may not fit all INFJs. Indeed, INFJs are still individuals who vary in experiences, ideas, and motivation. The list below is from my own, other people’s experiences with these Advocates, and from INFJs themselves. Now, let’s start:
1. Exaggerated politeness.
You will never know when you hit a raw nerve on INFJs. They will never say it, and almost never shows it. Almost.
But if you’re sensitive enough to notice little changes in their behavior, then you can prevent an INFJ’s impending outburst.
A disappointed INFJ becomes exaggeratingly polite. You might notice they start to smile a little more or laugh a little more. However, there’s a subtle change where their whacky friendliness decreases and the formality towards you increases.
They wear an extra kind facade, but at the back of their mind, they very well know how much you wronged them. They’re letting you loose for a while, but truth is, you’re playing into INFJ’s hands.
From the other person’s perspective, everything works just fine. But brace yourself. With INFJs, who knows what revenge they’re already plotting against you. Truly, an INFJ who received too much damage – let’s say, from betrayal – can be vengeful.
They may be cheated on, and can still plaster a smile for their partners. Sometimes, their commitment can be that scary.
I know an INFJ who purposely got along with her cheating partner so she can spend away all his money just to get even. Meanwhile, the guy had zero knowledge he’s been busted from the start.
For INFJs, formality and exaggerated politeness is an indicator they’re hurt but wouldn’t reveal it to you.
2. Disappearing warmth
The disappearing warmth becomes more noticeable. An INFJ may not respond to texts or calls as actively as they used to. They will start to decline your invitations and turn down a few of your requests. They will still be polite, but you notice how their warmth towards you decreased.
Normally, INFJs are all-out with their trusted friends. They lend an ear, accompany you when you need them, or even sacrifice their valuable time to accommodate you.
But once you slighted an INFJ and they take a grudge on it, you will detect how their extroverted demeanor volumes down. They become formal with you. Nicknames are no longer used.
INFJs will draw boundaries. Unfortunately, anyone who got used to their loving warmth tends to be caught off-guard.
3. Unexpected “Door slam”
To be honest, everybody regardless of the personality type does “door-slamming” on people especially when they’ve become too toxic to deal with.
But what makes the INFJ door slam crueler than the others?
One of the reasons is that you will never see it coming. An INFJ could’ve been laughing with you last week, but now, without a fathomable reason, you’re suddenly placed out.
What is the INFJ door slam like?
INFJ door slams happen after a collection of disappointment and consistent trespasses to an INFJ. Door-slamming isn’t impulsive but a well-thought response of cutting toxic and destructive people off their lives.
INFJs will eventually funnel down into a compelling realization of how much hurt you’re causing them. INFJ door slam is rooted in a profound series of reasons, so when this happens, they’re driven to never look back.
Generally, INFJs are over-forgiving people. Because of their Extraverted Feeling (Fe) function, their patience and compassion for others stretch to unbelievable lengths. They avoid conflict, accept you, and sacrifice for you.
But once you’ve pushed them to the cliff- countless times – their Fe for you gradually shuts down. They begin dwelling into the Ni-Ti loop. Due to the pain you caused them, INFJs will list a tirade of reasons why you’re not worthy to be in their life. And bam. When that realization materializes, you’re out.
When an INFJ is done with you, man, they’re done.
4. Enraged INFJ
Do INFJs even get angry? I’d like to say “no” but I’ve witnessed several enraged INFJs so I can’t lie here.
INFJ rage rarely happens but is deadly when unleashed. An INFJ in rage doesn’t leave much for kind words. Instead, they channel their inner dragons through razor-sharp remarks or worse, physical violence. What makes it worse is that no one expects such outbursts from them, thus it catches many people off-guard.
Back in high school, I had a hot-headed history teacher who probably vowed to shout at 10 students a day. We’re used to this teacher’s red chili temperament. But that day, her worst move was to call out my INFJ friend who was caught staring at the window.
To our surprise, my quiet INFJ friend didn’t back down from the embarrassment. She shouted back at the teacher, threw away her books on the floor, sat down, and continued staring at the window.
After that were crickets. I saw the teacher was shocked, too. We all were. Well, you know you did something unfair when a quiet INFJ snaps at you.
Do you think this is mild? Well, let me tell you about another INFJ friend who rear-naked choked a thief who attempted to hurt her aunts – all happened in broad daylight. When I asked her if she got scared, her response was, “I don’t know, but I could’ve killed that guy if the people didn’t pull me away.” Damn. Cases were filed due to the incident.
Looks like INFJs can have blackouts when provoked. Thank goodness, I’m an INFP and good friends with them. Don’t mess with an INFJ, people.
How to Deal with an Angry INFJ
If an INFJ gets mad at you, an apology and changed behavior is the best way to set things right. INFJs are forgiving, empathetic, and compassionate. However, if you never admit and apologize for your mistakes, the disappointment accumulates in INFJs.
If this continues, then one day you’ll realize how INFJs start to drift away from you.
You can also leave them alone to sort their problems out. Alone time gives them room to reflect on why the situation leads to such results and consequences.
And if they opt to talk about it with you, you might as well explain your side and not try to argue.
INFJs are the most logical Feelers. Before they get angry at someone, they usually process the situation and justify if anger is the right emotion.
INFJs are calm and understanding spirits. However, even the patient and peace-revering INFJs have the capability for anger when they sense that the situation requires it.
INFJs can put up with abuse and toxicity for the people they care about but they won’t accept it forever. Reserved, yet their rage isn’t something people would want to see.
Overall, INFJs prioritize people’s well-being, and also their own. As much as possible, they only want to live harmoniously. Anger is a mere episode to protect INFJ’s values and ideals. It’s the same with everyone, right?
Indeed, we all have something to fight for!
– M. Mathias
Thanks for reading!
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- Good and Bad Traits of INFJ Personality