“If you live for people’s acceptance, you will die from their rejection.” – LeCrae
My first soul-crushing rejection happened when I put out my favorite hobby into the world – writing.
Out of desperation to pay my college fees, I gave online writing a shot. There, I submitted writeups for clients.
My very first assignment was to write about credit cards. I was a penniless college student. How in the world would I know about banks and credit cards?
But since it’s a job, and I needed money for my thesis and demonstration, I just had to do it. I poured my heart into that project.
Since English isn’t my first language, I had to quadruple-check every sentence.
I still remember my thumping heart as I was submitting my first-ever work for others.
Three days later, they accepted it, and voilà! I was paid.
I was on cloud nine.
My confidence ramped up as I earned from doing what I do best.
I took on two more projects.
However, as I was writing my 3rd article for the client, I stumbled on a link showing my client’s feedback. I didn’t even know they left reviews. I clicked it.
How I wish I hadn’t.
The review read: “Fluffy. Wordy. Workable, but needs improvement.”
My heart sank.
I felt a flush of reality.
The words were bland. But in my mind, it was a direct translation saying, “You wrote nonsense. We had to edit this so much now!”
And they told me it’s workable? What’s with the 2 out of 5 rating?
Those few words was a huge blow to the confidence I built since I was a kid.
I thought I was a good writer. But maybe that was just delusion.
I teared up. It hurt.
That third article was my last. I didn’t dare to take another writing project again.
It traumatized me to the point where I’d freeze in my English class months later.
It felt like I became dyslexic. Sentences stopped making sense. My mind went blank.
Looking back, that moment was an eye-opener. My first true rejection. My first attempt to showing my craft to the world, yet the world told me “it needs improvement.”
It was a painful but defining one.
Why Do INFPs Take Rejection to Heart?
As empathetic kids, INFPs are so used to seeking approval (Fe-Villain) from loved ones or people they respect.
They would rather be obedient than cause trouble. Always scared that people might get mad.
But on the other hand, the strong authenticity (Fi) among INFPs live on.
Little did people know, behind our kind and gentle demeanor is a seething passion for whatever we do. We move at 100% for things we love. That or nothing at all.
That said, the tremendous fear of rejection comes from the frustrating imbalance between being true to ourselves and not upsetting others.
To reconcile our true identity with the expectations placed on us, the option most INFPs take is obvious.
We hide. Our privacy became our haven.
Yes, we hide our plans from people. INFPs have secret projects that may not have seen the light of day.
They would rather enjoy it for themselves than have people criticize a work they poured their hearts out all along.
INFPs tried so hard to keep the vivid colors in their mind alive. We protect them, shielding our inner world in a bubble, far away from people’s prying eyes.
We walk in stealth. That way, no one can reject us. No one can say we’re not good enough. No one can tell us to stop. Because all our life, we’ve dealt with people trying to control us.
So, when INFPs get rejected, they see it as a downright rejection of their cradled and protected authenticity (Fi-dominant).
And INFPs are scared. They tremble that people who “sees them” won’t see the worth of who they truly are. That they would be turned down, again.
Rejection brings deep wounds for an INFP.
How to Deal With Fear of Rejection as an INFP?
As an INFP in her late 20s, did I already get through INFPs’ fear of rejection?
I must say I did, but it also took me a long while. How do I deal with INFP’s fear of rejection?
Here are a few ways I did that helped me. I hope you can ponder about these and let it show a new perspective.
1. It’s always scary the first time.
I thought public speaking was scary.
I always feared I might say the wrong thing, that I’d stutter or blank out in front of a crowd. But after doing it 100+ times during my teaching years, it became natural. You stop overthinking about it.
Experiencing rejection was no different.
Once you experience rejection many times and accept it’s a natural part of life, it won’t take too much weight in your mind.
If you’re too scared of rejection, it might mean you’re just starting to open up. It’s normal.
Give yourself time to accept the reality of being rejected. Remember the saying, fail 7 times, get up 8?
And if you’ve never been rejected or corrected, are you even trying?
2. Refrain from replaying situations in your mind.
The thing is, INFPs often rewind a situation in their minds. We single out an event and drive out multiple meanings out of it.
Sometimes, it’s a beautiful skill to have a cinema inside our heads.
However, if we’re to replay unwholesome scenarios like our failures and rejection, it becomes harder to bear. The struggle weighs more than it should be.
If you’ve read my previous posts, you may have read how I stopped looking back in the past. Of course, not entirely. But I stopped focusing on sad or embarrassing moments.
No more sulking over my failures.
One time, I’ve had my first experience as an emcee. It wasn’t perfect. I’ve made a joke, and no one laughed. I lacked cues for the audience to follow.
My mom recorded a video of me on stage, but never did I watch it. My self-conscious self knows that scene will live in my mind rent-free, and I’ll cringe. Forever.
So rather than overthinking, I simply practiced areas I know I lacked.
Don’t get yourself stuck in the unpleasant past. Always choose to move forward.
Improving Our Se-Blindspot
The best thing about cognitive functions is recognizing where we’re weak at and consciously improving them.
For INFPs, Se is one of them. Se-blindspot shows our slight detachment from the present, physical world.
Due to this, we’re disconnected to physical reality and may be oblivious to our own habits and mannerisms. We get lost in the city we’ve been to five times, or find it hard to respond to impromptu situations.
I understand. We’re Si users. Absorbing the moment for a later review is our kind of thing.
But you know what, I just realized how improving our Se makes us bulletproof against rejection.
Using Se (Extraverted Sensing) means you react to what’s in front of you. You perceive and make decisions based on the present, not on what the past events made you feel.
Could you catch yourself thinking inside your head, and snap out of it?
Can you build cognitive alarm telling you, “Oops! You’re in your head again. Move out!”
This is how it will look like if you want to improve your Se.
As of today, I could say I’ve improved my Se.
I stopped caring about making mistakes because I wouldn’t even care to remember them. I’ve become more inclined on what’s here and now.
The caveat is that most Se users are forgetful of the past.
Rejection rarely gets to you, because you couldn’t care less to remember.
If you could see yourself in this route, then you’re free to work on your Se muscle!
It’s a Yes or a No!
Before, I’ve always operated as if all criticisms were a personal attack. The younger me was led by emotions.
Moreover, I’ve never thought there might be a right way to do things. That maybe, people before me have done this before, and I should take their advice?
Nah. I didn’t care as long as I translated my heart into reality.
But this was probably why I was so hurt by the client’s feedback. I didn’t know there were certain rules in writing. I thought you just had to write passionately, and it’s done!
Thankfully, I woke up to my senses.
As I grew older, I learned to draw the line between emotions and technicalities.
Progress starts when we get used to following a process. You start to see perspectives as black and white, a yes or no.
No more excuses.
Here are a few examples where we lean on being black and white rather than being carried away by emotions when it comes to rejection:
Example #1
Did you get rejected? Yes.
Why? They said my project lacked details.
Do you believe there are lacking details? Yes.
Did they point out which part? Yes.
Would you fix it? Of course.
Notice how straightforward the conversation is? If you made an error, correct it. If there are lacking areas in your work, re-do those parts. There’s no room for self-doubt. Just action.
Example #2
Did you get rejected? Yes.
Why? They said my project lacked details.
Do you believe there are lacking details? No.
Did they point out which part? Yes, still, I didn’t like their idea.
Would you fix it? No. I will propose this to someone else.
Here, you’re being firm about your views. If people don’t like the idea, then you’re secure enough to walk away and find others who might like it.
You don’t need to force people. They have the free will to decline, and you have the very right to walk away, too.
Example #3
Did you get rejected? Yes.
Why? They said my project lacked details.
Do you believe there are lacking details? Yes.
Did they point out which part? No.
Will you ask them for more feedback? Yes.
Would you fix it? Of course.
Here, you’re seeking feedback.
See, being rejected is not a personal attack. When you ask people for feedback, it’s not like they’ll say, “Well, that’s because I don’t like you.” And if they did, that’s their issue, not yours.
But in reality, you’re more likely to get pointers on where to improve. Once you frame rejection objectively, it becomes an impactful learning tool.
That’s how Extraverted Thinking (Te) works. A commitment to following a process without getting hurt or offended.
Related Post: 3 Ways INFP Can Develop Te Function
Conclusion
I understand INFP rejection is never easy, especially for INFPs, who pour so much of their soul into everything they create.
But although we are naturally wired to feel deeply and keep our authenticity to ourselves, we still have to step out of hiding to reach our goals.
If we want to grow, we can’t fear rejection. We have to face it.
Yes, rejection can be everywhere, but be brave enough to continue. You just need to see rejection as a beneficial tool for growth, not a testament of who you are.
Shine bright, INFPs! Don’t let rejections dim your light.
That’s it! I hope this post gave you insights. 🙂
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