“If you live for people’s acceptance, you will die from their rejection.” – LeCrae
My first soul-crushing rejection happened when I put out my favorite hobby into the world – writing.
Out of desperation to pay my college fees, I gave online writing a shot. There, I submitted writeups for clients.
My very first assignment was to write about credit cards. I was a penniless college student. How in the world would I know about banks and credit cards?
But since it’s a job, and I needed money for my thesis and demonstration, I just had to do it. I poured my heart into that project.
I still remember my thumping heart as I was submitting my first-ever work for others.
Three days later, they accepted it, and voilà! I was paid. I was on cloud nine.
My confidence ramped up as I earned from doing what I do best.
I took on two more projects.
However, as I was writing my 3rd article for the client, I stumbled on a link showing my client’s feedback. I didn’t even know they left reviews. I clicked it.
How I wish I hadn’t.
The review read: “Fluffy. Wordy. Workable, but needs improvement.”
I paused. My heart sank.
I felt a flush of reality.
The words were bland. But in my mind, it directly said, “You wrote nonsense. We had to edit this so much now!”
And they told me it’s workable? What’s with the 2 out of 5 rating?
Those few words was a huge blow to the confidence I built since I was a kid.
I thought I was a good writer. But maybe that was just delusion.
I teared up. It hurt.
That third article was my last. I didn’t dare to take another writing project again.
It traumatized me. I’d freeze in my English class months later.
It felt like I became dyslexic. Sentences stopped making sense. My mind went blank.
Looking back, that moment was my first true rejection. My first attempt to showing my craft to the world, yet the world told me “it’s workable but needs improvement.”
It was a painful but defining one.
Why Do INFPs Take Rejection to Heart?
As empathetic kids, INFPs often sought approval (Fe-Villain) from loved ones or people they respect.
They would rather be obedient than cause trouble. Always scared that people might get mad.
But little did people know, behind our kind and gentle demeanor is a seething passion for whatever we do. We move at 100% for things we love. The strong authenticity (Fi) among INFPs live on.
That said, the tremendous fear of rejection comes from the frustrating imbalance between being true to ourselves and not upsetting others.
To reconcile our true identity with society’s expectations, the option most INFPs take is to hide.
INFPs have secret projects that may not have seen the light of day.
They would rather enjoy it for themselves than have people criticize a work they poured their hearts out.
INFPs tried hard to keep the vivid colors in their mind alive. We protect them, shielding our inner world in a bubble, far away from people’s prying eyes.
That way, no one can reject us. No one can say we’re not good enough. No one can tell us to stop. Because all our life, we’ve dealt with people trying to control us.
So, when INFPs get rejected, they see it as a downright rejection of their cradled and protected authenticity (Fi-dominant).
And INFPs are scared. They fear that people who “see them” won’t see the worth of who they truly are. That they would be turned down, again.
Rejection brings deep wounds for an INFP.
How to Deal With Fear of Rejection as an INFP?
As an INFP in her late 20s, did I already get through INFPs’ fear of rejection?
I must say I did, but it also took me a long while to get here. How do I deal with INFP’s fear of rejection?
Here are a few ways I did that helped me. I hope you can ponder about these and may this lead you to a new perspective.
1. It’s always scary the first time.
I thought public speaking was scary.
I always feared I might say the wrong thing, that I’d stutter or blank out in front of a crowd. But after doing it 100+ times during my teaching years, it became natural. You stop overthinking about it.
Experiencing rejection was no different.
Once you experience rejection many times and accept it’s a natural part of life, it won’t take too much weight in your mind.
My first rejection was brutal. The second was painful. But the 20th time? I no longer cared as long as they tell me the reason constructively.
Give yourself time to accept the reality of being rejected. Remember the saying, fall 7 times, get up 8?
2. Refrain from replaying situations in your mind.
INFPs often rewind a situation in their minds. We single out an event and drive out multiple meanings out of it.
However, if we’re to replay unwholesome scenarios like our failures and rejection, the situation becomes harder to bear. The struggle weighs more than it should be.
I stopped looking back in the past. Of course, not entirely. But I stopped focusing on sad or embarrassing moments.
No more sulking over my failures.
One time, I’ve had my first experience as an emcee. It wasn’t perfect. I’ve made a joke, and no one laughed. I lacked cues for the audience to follow.
My mom recorded a video of me on stage, but never did I watch it. My self-conscious self knows that scene will live in my mind rent-free, and I’ll cringe. Forever.
So rather than overthinking, I simply practiced areas I know I lacked. Fortunately, I had the opportunity to be on stage a few more times.
Don’t get yourself stuck in the unpleasant past. Always choose to move forward.
Improving Our Se-Blindspot
Cognitive functions help us recognize where we’re weak at and can serve as a guide on how to improve.
For INFPs, Se-blindspot is one weakness. It shows our slight detachment from the present, physical world.
Due to this, we appear to be oblivious to our own habits and mannerisms. We get lost in the city we’ve been to five times, or find it hard to respond to impromptu situations.
Meanwhile, the active use of Se (Extraverted Sensing) means you react to what’s in front of you quickly. You perceive and make decisions based on the present, not on what the past events made you feel.
As of today, I could say I’ve improved my Se.
I stopped caring about making mistakes because I wouldn’t even care to remember them. I’ve become more inclined on what’s here and now.
The caveat is that most Se users are forgetful of the past.
Rejection rarely gets to them, because they couldn’t care less to remember, unlike us Si users who prefer to ponder about it at night.
So, if we want to be less sensitive to criticisms, why not imitate what Se users do?
If you could see yourself in this route, then you’re free to work on your Se muscle!
It’s a Yes or a No!
I used to see all criticisms as a personal attack. The younger me was led by emotions.
I disliked correction. I’ve never thought there might be a right way to do things. That maybe, people have done this before, and I should take their advice?
Nah. I didn’t care as long as I bring my heart into reality.
But this is the very reason why I was so hurt by the client’s feedback. I cared about my heart, more than the process, techniques, and rules.
Thankfully, I woke up to my senses.
As I grew older, I learned to draw the line between emotions and technicalities.
Progress starts when we get used to following a process. You start to see perspectives as black and white, a yes or no.
When INFPs improve their Te inferior, I tell you, we become goal-achieving Thinkers. Logical, and cute!
Here are a few examples where we lean on being black and white rather than being carried away by emotions when it comes to rejection:
Example #1
Did you get rejected? Yes.
Why? They said my project lacked details.
Do you believe there are lacking details? Yes.
Did they point out which part? Yes.
Would you fix it? Of course.
Notice how straightforward the conversation is? If you made an error, correct it. If there are lacking areas in your work, re-do those parts. There’s no room for self-doubt. Just action.
Example #2
Did you get rejected? Yes.
Why? They said my project lacked details.
Do you believe there are lacking details? No.
Did they point out which part? Yes, still, I didn’t like their idea.
Would you fix it? No. I will propose this to someone else.
Here, you’re being firm about your views. If people don’t like the idea, then you’re secure enough to walk away and find others who might like it.
You don’t need to force people. They have the free will to decline, and you have the very right to walk away, too.
Example #3
Did you get rejected? Yes.
Why? They said my project lacked details.
Do you believe there are lacking details? Yes.
Did they point out which part? No.
Will you ask them for more feedback? Yes.
Would you fix it? Of course.
Here, you’re seeking feedback.
See, being rejected is not a personal attack. When you ask people for feedback, it’s not like they’ll say, “Well, that’s because I don’t like you.” And if they did, that’s their issue, not yours.
But in reality, you’re more likely to get pointers on where to improve. Once you frame rejection objectively, it becomes an impactful learning tool.
That’s how Extraverted Thinking (Te) works. A commitment to following a process without getting hurt or offended.
Related Post: 3 Ways INFP Can Develop Te Function
Conclusion
I understand INFP rejection is never easy, especially for INFPs, who pour so much of their soul into everything they create.
But although we are naturally wired to feel deeply and keep our authenticity to ourselves, we still have to step out of hiding to reach our goals.
If we want to grow, we can’t fear rejection. We have to face it.
Yes, rejection can be everywhere, but be brave enough to continue. You just need to see rejection as a beneficial tool for growth, not a testament of who you are.
Shine bright, INFPs! Don’t let rejections dim your light.
That’s it! I hope this post gave you insights. 🙂
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