Do INFPs hate people?
It’s not that we hate them. It’s more like “people” is INFP’s kryptonite.
We care for them, of course. But once people start judging, we retreat back to our shells. We lament over their criticism.
We run off to the misty woods and hide forever, far from people’s grasps.
It isn’t a surprise. This is how INFPs’ Extraverted Feeling (Fe) shadow work in our lives.
So, do you feel like escaping people who “disapprove” of you is the only option you have? Are you afraid of “people”?
I know it’s hard to deal with the anxiety. Been there. I’ve isolated myself for 4 years, deactivated my socials, and blocked people just so they can’t reach me.
However, INFPs can’t run forever.
And that’s why I’m writing this post.
In the following sections, let’s talk about it. Why do INFPs struggle socially? How does Fe-shadow influence us, and how do we overcome it?
If you’re curious, then let’s go!
INFP and The Fe-Shadow
The Extraverted Feeling (Fe) function seeks harmony in the external world. In short, it aims to blend with people. It seeks peace and agreement.
People with strong Fe naturally align with what’s socially accepted. They wanna be beneficial for others. They follow principles that strengthen the social group.
Moreover, Fe users also have high sensitivity to people’s emotions. That’s why I love my INFJ and ENFJ friends. They get others’ moods and emotions masterfully.
However, with INFPs, Fe is a shadow function.
Yes, we might have the same sensitivity as people with high Fe. But the lens by which we use it is different.
Unfortunately, Fe-shadow bears unhealthy Fe traits.
At the far end of the spectrum, INFPs are hypersensitive to disapproval. They are people-pleasers. Obsessed with winning people’s hearts.
They wouldn’t speak up if it meant embarrassing others. They are the quiet kids who obey their parents perfectly.
Moreover, don’t forget, INFPs are introverted Feelers (Fi). They strongly uphold the highest moral standard among the 16 MBTI personality types.
That means INFPs fear burdening people because it demonstrates their wrong decisions and actions. They fear people might perceive them as bad people.
So, here lies the dilemma: INFPs crave harmony, yet our Fi demands authenticity.
What happens now if our Fi and Fe clash?
What happens if people force INFPs into situations they internally disagree with?
I tell you, most of the time, INFPs will not confront. They escape.
To give you a clearer perspective, let’s name what drives an INFP to hide away.
What Drives INFPs to Run Away From People?
Two major things:
1. The weight of negative emotions directed at them.
INFPs may not have dominant Fe, but the Fe shadow still makes us hyperaware of other people’s feelings.
So when INFPs feel they have displeased others, they think things like:
- “I burdened them. They’d be better off without me.”
- “They’re mad. Did I do something wrong? I probably did. I can’t face them anymore. I’m such a shame.”
INFPs don’t want to be bad people, but once they look how they distressed others, they self-deprecate. The Fe-shadow says, “you hurt them, you disappointed them, you’re the problem.”
The stress is unbearable.
2. The loss of autonomy and authenticity.
Now, let’s go to the more rebellious side of INFPs.
INFPs are Fi-dominant. We need authenticity. We need to be in control of our lives and values.
Yet younger INFPs often struggle to assert themselves gracefully. They don’t know how to confront people.
They can’t raise their voices. It might turn into a cry. Worse, people might dismiss them as irrational.
Who cares about “authenticity” anyway, huh?
Conflict feels dangerous, especially when these INFPs lived all their lives being obedient and kind.
But once they’re fed up, INFPs would retreat.
Silently rebel, even.
They can abandon people with no heartfelt goodbyes. They wouldn’t want to hear how you blame them, or how wrong they are for leaving.
INFPs just want to reclaim their autonomy and authenticity.
They run away from anyone who tries to take control over their lives — their parents, bosses, even the system — you name it.
If distance means they wouldn’t see how upset you are, then distance is how they will feel safe again.
***
Now, you get the idea why INFPs would escape people rather than just bid their farewells.
Can’t blame them. With Fe-shadow, doing wrong is anxiety-inducing for an INFP.
But of course, anything anxiety isn’t healthy. We have to deal with it. How do we overcome it?
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How Can An INFP Overcome The Fe Shadow-Induced Anxiety?
Before I answer that, you first need to understand the power you have as an INFP.
You are a powerhouse once you work with authenticity.
What does that mean?
INFPs are assets as long as people value their pursuit of authenticity and autonomy.
See, with Te-inferior, INFPs are inclined to prove themselves.
They align their character with the role they’re given. They want to hit every checkmark, often going above and beyond.
- If an INFP is a writer, they make sure they’ve written good articles and books.
- If they’re a teacher, they over-study materials until they’re walking encyclopedias.
- If they’re technicians, they ensure they’re efficient and are working within the expected standards.
“If I carry the title, I must live up to it.”
That’s how hardcore INFPs are about authenticity.
I’ve seen this firsthand. My partner is an INFP, and so is my sister. Both of them, like many INFPs, load themselves with work just to prove they meet the standard—even if no one else around them is pushing that hard.
It’s the delight (and curse) of being Te-inferior: we care about our reputation, so dang much!
However, INFP’s biggest strength could also be a frailty.
An INFP who cannot uphold the standard will feel internal friction. Inauthenticity will drain them, making them feel like a fraud, ineffective, or useless.
And because they fell short, they will feel like a burden to others. Even when they’re not.
That said, here are a few tips to overcome our Fe shadow-induced anxiety:
1. Know your authentic self.
To be authentic means you have learned to make use of what you truly have.
You operate with your core gifts and values. You use what you’re naturally wired to do.
For example, I have a bottomless capacity for self-reflection. Every time I talk to people, I ponder how they see the world. I analyze my life, their life, and the behavior of society.
I’m firm that this is my strength. Constant reflection is my playground.
With this knowledge, do you know what it gives me? Internal peace.
The more you understand yourself, the less swayed you’ll be by others’ disapproval.
It’s not only our strengths, but we also realize our boundaries and limitations, and we learn to communicate them clearly.
You begin to set the standards, not them.
Regardless of their disapproval, you understand your strengths and gifts. That clarity cuts down on unnecessary drama.
You have to find what you’re really good at. More importantly, seek who you really are, not who you will be in the future.
What do you currently have? What do you currently know?
If you’re a beginner, be true about it. Present yourself as you are. That’s authenticity.
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2. Find your tribe.
Once you know yourself, seek out spaces where your authenticity is welcomed.
Is it in a company?
Just make sure you find a good boss and colleagues, or a management that welcomes your suggestions. A workplace that accepts your values.
And beyond work—make friends. Build a tribe. Hang out with people.
If not, every day will be a disaster.
I tell you, as an INFP, you will last longer in a workplace when you’re around silly, friendly people. Work friends who tell you, “it’s okay,” even when you feel like you messed up.
They ground you, reminding you it’s not always your fault.
You need strong people on your side. Those who will back you up against the toxic ones.
Does it sound like I’m asking you to find a protector? Maybe.
Because Fe-shadow is all about good relationships. You need people to have your back.
And unless you’re surrounded by those who “get” you, your anxious Fe-shadow can eat you alive.
The right people soften the blow of criticism.
Related Post:
- 5 Effective Ways To Make Friends as an INFP
- 6 Situations INFPs Are At Their Best
- 5 Tips to Become an Outgoing INFP
- What Happened When I Started Asking for Help
3. Fight for autonomy.
The biggest mistake people do when interacting with INFPs is trying to control them.
Little did people know that the more control others exert, the less effective an INFP becomes.
Truth is, INFPs flourish under leadership that values initiative and creativity.
A boss who trusts their process, welcomes their ideas, and doesn’t interfere with every detail helps them feel safe and productive.
I’ve already told you to find a good workplace in #2.
But if you still can’t find a good boss, you can do what I did: I created my own opportunity.
Due to my heightened Fe-shadow predicaments, I always escaped. I grew tired of my “find job > quit job > repeat” cycle.
Eventually, I carved my own path as a freelance writer, where I could manage my time and work on my own terms.
True enough, working independently has worked for me!
As far as I have observed, most happy and excelling INFPs I know either worked in a friendly workplace that gives them autonomy, have managed their own business (they’re the boss!), or freelanced.
Authenticity, friends, and autonomy — this is what you need to last in a job!
4. You have the right to say no.
Fe-shadow causes stress, especially when you’ve taken on tasks more than you can endure.
But truly, constantly saying “yes” to everyone else often means saying “no” to yourself—your energy, your priorities, your well-being.
So before accepting any tasks or doing favors for people, think first how it will affect you.
Will these tasks even help me grow? Can I really do this?
Write your weekly schedule. How much can you realistically do in a week?
What’s your mental capacity? Ponder about it.
See, I have a tendency to bite more than I can chew.
As of writing, I have a job, an upcoming national licensure exam, and church responsibilities. Plus, I have a few scheduled hospital visits. And currently planning for my wedding! Then, I have my house chores, then giving time for my relationships.
I don’t have a single day off because I said yes to every opportunity. My schedule’s all filled up.
Aaand, I have bawled my eyes out due to pressure and exhaustion.
My partner nagged me for it.
“Why do you accept roles without thinking???” He said.
He-he. I don’t know. I was too excited, knowing they chose me out of the hundred others. Couldn’t turn them down.
So here I am, patiently waiting when the tasks will end.
But one thing is sure, I cried lots. I almost abandoned everything. Again.
I almost shut and blamed everyone who chucked those tasks on me. Fe-shadow’s working.
But thankfully, I have matured somehow. I don’t want to run away.
So now, I’m warning you, my fellow INFPs. If you don’t want to be pushed to the limit, don’t be like me.
You have the power to decline.
Be more mindful of which responsibilities you accept.
Since we’re Fi users, it’s better to keep ourselves happy first than try to please others. This way, we won’t have to shut down and deal with Fe anxiety later.
Conclusion
For years, I thought I had already conquered my Fe-shadow. I had grown, matured, and learned to stand on my own. But life has a way of testing us. Challenges resurface, and old patterns try to sneak back in.
The difference now is awareness. I no longer see people as the enemy or blame them for my distress.
Instead, I recognize when my Fe-shadow is pulling the strings.
I’ve also learned to speak up.
As INFPs, we may always feel the tug-of-war between Fi and Fe. However, there are more ways to do than escape.
- Know who you truly are.
- Do not compromise your authenticity and autonomy.
- Find friends that support you — those with similar values.
- Say no to tasks you can no longer squeeze in. But finish the commitments you’ve agreed to.
As you fix these aspects of your life, I hope you finally find a good balance between your Fi and Fe functions!
That’s it! I hope this gave you insights. Thanks for reading!
Was this helpful? If you like it, you can buy me a coffee! 🙂
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